On the second leg of my flight to Rwanda, I sat next to a 25 year-old woman who was traveling from Luxembourg to Rwanda for her wedding. I asked what seemed to be a fairly innocuous question; “Why do you live in Luxembourg and why are you getting married in Rwanda versus your home?” She responded that because her parents were murdered in 1995 during the genocide she had been adopted by a family from Luxembourg, however her fiance resided in her home country. Oh. How do you continue a conversation after an acknowledgement of such horror? She talked about the fact that she cannot visit Rwanda during the month of April because 20 years later, she is still terrified (April is the month during which the genocide took place).
I stumbled through the conversation with as much sensitivity as I could; I didn’t want to ask to much or ask too little. I did tell her my intentions in visiting Rwanda, which are essentially to explore the possibility of providing some sort of specialized support to survivors of the genocide and their children. She told me she didn’t know how someone could recover from the kind of atrocity faced by this country, which prompted a brief conversation about parental attunement, listening, and being heard.
She noted the differences between her white adoptive parents and her Rwandan birth parents; one of which was they had luxury to tune into her needs, listen and be able to provide an appropriate response. In countries that struggle economically, the primary concern of the parent is to feed and house their children. Emotional support is last on the list.
Rwandans have recovered from the genocide remarkably and with a great deal of grace. I am not familiar enough with the culture to understand what is happening emotionally beneath the surface or how trauma has manifested here. I also don’t know how many have told their story and how many have had the opportunity to have someone listen or even if that would be useful. Perhaps there is something I can learn from this culture about alternative forms of healing and meanwhile, whenever a local tells me their story, I certainly plan to listen.